the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
