I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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