my vag is so smooth its legendary
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
