Your mouth is God's brothel.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
