Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
