Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
did i just pee glitter
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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