so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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