I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
