Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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