Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
