I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
