we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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