The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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