he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
