so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
