what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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