just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
