he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
