We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Less talking, more tequila
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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