it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Houston, we have a blender
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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