I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
