Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
