You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
