she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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