Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
This is my gift to your gina
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
