To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
