Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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