I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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