i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
