After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
