Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
