I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Randomize
