Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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