I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
