What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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