Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
