Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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