Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
