Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
