dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
