Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
