dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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