I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
