Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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