I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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