So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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