I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
