i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
