Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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