Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
