I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
