she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
