I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My penis needs a shock collar
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
