I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
