Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
