Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We are all done wearing pants today
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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